Engineering Humor
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You know your an engineer when you have no life, and can prove it mathematically.
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The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches. That is an exceptionally odd number. Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the U.S. Railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English build them that way? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing? Well if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads? The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Roam, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.
Specifications and bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back end of two warhorses. Thus, we have the answer to the original question.
Now the twist to the story…… When we see a space shuttle sitting on it’s launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s might have preferred to make them a little bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two war horse’s behinds.
So, the major design feature of what arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass!!!
Don’t you just love engineering?
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The Guillotine
During the French revolution, hundreds of people were guillotined.
One day, three men were led up to die. One was a lawyer, one was a doctor,
and the third was an engineer.
The lawyer was to die first. He was led to the guillotine, the
attending priest blessed him, and he knelt with his head on the guillotine.
The blade was released, but stopped halfway down its path. The priest,
seeing an opportunity, quickly said, "Gentlemen, God has spoken and said
this man is to be spared; we cannot kill him." The executioner agreed, and
the lawyer was set free.
The doctor was next. He was blessed by the priest, then knelt and
placed his head down. The blade was released, and again stopped halfway
down. Again the priest intervened: "Gentlemen, God has again spoken; we
cannot kill this man." The executioner agreed and the doctor was set free.
At last it was the engineer's turn. He was blessed by the priest,
and knelt, but before he placed his head on the guillotine he looked up.
Suddenly, he leapt to his feet and cried, "Oh, I see the problem!"
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Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that:
"Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
1. Knowledge is power.
2. Time is money
As every engineer knows: Power = Work/Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work/Knowledge
Note that, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches Infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.
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A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half-hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You've made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
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YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF
The only jokes you receive are through email --- OUCH!
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the
burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your
RAM is a moral dilemma.
Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and
you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You are always late to meetings.
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the
guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
You forget to get a haircut --- for 6 months!
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see
how they do the special effects.
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area.
You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance.
You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
You have never backed up your hard drive.
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you
got married.
You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging
coats and taping ducts.
You know what
http:// stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts.
You see a good design and still have to change it.
You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory.
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get
enough sleep.
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa).
You window shop at Radio Shack.
You're in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon,
and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
Your checkbook always balances.
Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium.
You've already calculated how much you make per second.
You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio.
Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4.
Chocolate.
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When talking to an engineer, how can you tell an extroverted one from an introverted one?
An extroverted engineer will look at your shoes rather than their own when talking to you!
Engineers have a natural form of birth control. It's called their personality!
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for
a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight
saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let
them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for
them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all
things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30
years, he happily retired. Several years later the company
contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were
having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had
tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but
to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer
who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day
studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a
small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and
proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for
his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his
charges. The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
What is the difference between Electrical Engineers and Civil
Engineers?
Electrical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build
targets.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Business degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries
with that?"
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
systems many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether
it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a
solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said
he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and
you can go to the lab and get some work done."
An engineering student was walking across campus when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike, "asked the first. The
second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes
and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."
A top movie producer was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers with several top stars.
Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme were present. The
producers really desired the box office 'Oomph' of these three, so
they were prepared to allow them to select what famous composers
they would portray.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would
love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favourite," said Van Damme, "I'll play
him."
The producers were pleased. "Sounds splendid. But, who do you want
to be, Arnold?". Arnold says -
.....(Wait for it)......
..... (its a good one!).....
"I'll be Bach."
Got any clean humor about Engineers?
Send to:
Email: jjones@cuesta.edu